A guy came to fight club for the first time, his ass was a wad of cookie dough. After a few weeks, he was carved out of wood.
- Edward Norton, Fight Club
His name is Julian. The new gym instructor. He has the friendliness and eagerness to help that typifies tenderfeet everywhere. And he looks like a ripped Mace Windu. We must cherish the little things.
Because he's new, and feels like aiding gym members as much as he possibly can, I got what effectively amounted to a free personal training session this past Tuesday. I love rookies. Especially Caboose.
He formulated an exercise routine for me to follow, but first he asked me what I wanted. Unfortunately he had never watched Buffy, so I couldn't tell him how badly I idolised Spike and wished to emulate him in every way. Except for attempted rape. Attempted rape is a very bad thing. I mean, SERIOUSLY, you're imbued with all the fel energies and raw power that goes with being undead, and you STILL get fended off by a squealing teenager? Your mother and I, we are so ashamed...
Then Julian mentioned how people come to gym and want to look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. "Edward Norton," I interjected. "I want to look like Edward Norton from Fight Club."
After much laughter and merriment all round, Julian set me an exercise regimen and told me that, were I to eat properly as well, I could look like Norton in a year.
It was an altogether rather painful enterprise. Very painful. Exercise is supposed to hurt, but I went in today and another trainer (Julian's shift had not yet begun) said I had "severe muscle damage". Told me to do 10 minutes on the rowing machines to keep blood flowing through my arms, and then just work my legs. That's what I mean by "painful enterprise" - "severe muscle damage". But despite the hurt, I pushed through Tuesday's session because I had a goal, because I have a goal. I'm going to be Edward Norton from Fight Club.
Yesterday I went to sleep early. Having had little sleep the night before, I dropped onto my bed around 8:30 and instantly slipped away. I woke in the middle of the night because I was cold. It would seem my blanket had slipped off. I blearily opened my eyes and the dining room windows swam into view. My first thought was "this isn't my bedroom". My second thought was not an original. The voice of Edward Norton echoed through my mind, and I heard him:
If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?
The entire circumstance is especially mystifying when one takes into account that I have never, in my entire life, ended up somewhere without knowing how I'd gotten there. Well, I'm guessing I didn't quite understand the Great Miracle of Childbirth when I was a newborn, but you get my drift. I've never even been drunk, for the love of Christ.
There's only one plausible explanation of how I got to the loungeroom couch: in my sleep I must be doing things I can't remember when I wake, operating under a completely different persona.
And Julian thought it'd take me a year! Ha!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Get Stoned, Lose Your Virginity. Or Vice Versa.
The Bible really is quite a charming book. It's truly astounding what you'll find if you just take the time to sit there and read it for a while.
This week's Torah portion is Ki Teitzei. I started reading from the beginning, and it didn't take me long at all to find the good bits. The following is from my Artscroll Chumash. Yes, I have an Artscroll Chumash. Sue me.
If a man marries a wife, and comes to her and hates her, and he makes a wanton accusation against her, spreading a bad name against her, and he said, "I married this woman, and I came near to her and I did not find signs of virginity on her." Then the father of the girl and her mother should take and bring proofs of the girl's virginity to the elders of the city, to the gate. The father of the girl should say to the elders, "I gave my daughter to this man as a wife, and he hated her. Now, behold! he made a wanton accusation against her, saying, 'I did not find signs of virginity on your daughter' - but these are the signs of virginity of my daughter!" And they should spread out the sheet before the elders of the city.
The elders of the city shall take that man and punish him. And they shall fine him one hundred silver [shekels] and give them to the father of the girl, for he had issued a slander against a virgin of Israel, and she shall remain with him as a wife; he cannot divorce her all his days.
But if this matter was true - signs of virginity were not found on the girl - then they shall take the girl to the entrance of her father's house and the people of her city shall pelt her with stones and she shall die, for she had commited an outrage in Israel, to commit adultery in her father's house, and you shall remove the evil from your midst. (Deut 22:13 - 21)
TL;DR version: If a girl gets married, has sex, and doesn't bleed, her husband can get her executed just for the lulz.
A girl sometimes bleeds during sex due to her hymen breaking. The understanding in Biblical times was that the first time a girl has sex, her hymen will break, and she will bleed. If there's no blood, it's not her first time. Simple.
The problem is that many a woman does not bleed the first time she has sex, due to her hymen already being broken or, less frequently, due to her hymen simply stretching, rather than breaking, during sex. A study by Monica Christiansson and Carola Eriksson of Sweden in 2005 stated that "fewer than 30% of women who have gone through puberty and have consensual intercourse bleed the first time" (thank you, Wikipedia).
To recap: every single woman whose hymen breaks before marriage can be effectively murdered by her husband based on false accusations of immorality.
Ask me again why I'm not religious.
This week's Torah portion is Ki Teitzei. I started reading from the beginning, and it didn't take me long at all to find the good bits. The following is from my Artscroll Chumash. Yes, I have an Artscroll Chumash. Sue me.
If a man marries a wife, and comes to her and hates her, and he makes a wanton accusation against her, spreading a bad name against her, and he said, "I married this woman, and I came near to her and I did not find signs of virginity on her." Then the father of the girl and her mother should take and bring proofs of the girl's virginity to the elders of the city, to the gate. The father of the girl should say to the elders, "I gave my daughter to this man as a wife, and he hated her. Now, behold! he made a wanton accusation against her, saying, 'I did not find signs of virginity on your daughter' - but these are the signs of virginity of my daughter!" And they should spread out the sheet before the elders of the city.
The elders of the city shall take that man and punish him. And they shall fine him one hundred silver [shekels] and give them to the father of the girl, for he had issued a slander against a virgin of Israel, and she shall remain with him as a wife; he cannot divorce her all his days.
But if this matter was true - signs of virginity were not found on the girl - then they shall take the girl to the entrance of her father's house and the people of her city shall pelt her with stones and she shall die, for she had commited an outrage in Israel, to commit adultery in her father's house, and you shall remove the evil from your midst. (Deut 22:13 - 21)
TL;DR version: If a girl gets married, has sex, and doesn't bleed, her husband can get her executed just for the lulz.
A girl sometimes bleeds during sex due to her hymen breaking. The understanding in Biblical times was that the first time a girl has sex, her hymen will break, and she will bleed. If there's no blood, it's not her first time. Simple.
The problem is that many a woman does not bleed the first time she has sex, due to her hymen already being broken or, less frequently, due to her hymen simply stretching, rather than breaking, during sex. A study by Monica Christiansson and Carola Eriksson of Sweden in 2005 stated that "fewer than 30% of women who have gone through puberty and have consensual intercourse bleed the first time" (thank you, Wikipedia).
To recap: every single woman whose hymen breaks before marriage can be effectively murdered by her husband based on false accusations of immorality.
Ask me again why I'm not religious.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Sex, Lies, and Newspaper Clippings
I will often cut out and Blu Tack to my bedroom wall especially poignant or witty sentences or paragraphs that I encounter in newspapers. I've been reading the past few days' worth of Sydney Morning Heralds, and have decided to add three clippings to my wall today, which is quite a good haul.
The first is from an article about the legal difficulties facing transsexuals in Australia today (I couldn't be making this up if I tried). The article covers a full page, but the excerpt that I am keeping reads:
In Australia few couples are willing to go public. But theirs are great love stories, nonetheless. Bobbi and Susan, married for 13 years, and parents to a five-year-old, have drawn closer in the five years since Bobbi confessed her feelings. In November she had the operation.
"It took me 37 years to admit to myself who I was," Bobbi says. "Susan's first words to me were, 'The marriage is over.' I got the divorce papers; I was prepared to give her the house and everything in it. She hated what I was doing, she was losing a husband."
They never did divorce, and Bobbi had an operation in November. "When you have a true soulmate, nothing is too much trouble," Bobbi says. "Love can be boundless."
In an article all about the grown-up issues of marriage, sexuality and the law, that short tale, strange and unexpected as it was, really hit me with its youthful Disneyesque message - its testament to the power of love. Cue the Celine Dion.
The second article I read was about Sarah Palin, John McCain's new running mate (whom, I must note, merits her own post. Stop bugging me, Sarah, I'll write it when I'm good and ready). This piece was about Palin's support for abstinence-until-marriage sex education programs, and the impact these programs have had on America.
The closing paragraph, which quite appalled me, went thusly:
Abstinence programs, which cost $US176 million in 2007, have been controversial since a congressional committee report found teens were being wrongly taught that HIV can spread via sweat and tears, and that condoms failed to stop transmission of HIV up to 31 per cent of the time in heterosexual intercourse.
The cost doesn't really bother me; newspapers love to give the seemingly high costs of various government programs to provoke outrage amongst their readers, while not providing the proper context of how expensive goverment projects really are, and how much money governments really have to play around with.
But while I really should not have batted an eyelid at the misinformation spread to lend credence to the pro-abstinence educators' policies, I have never quite been able to rid myself of the tendency to be irritated every time I encounter a new instance of fudged figures. Although I see the value, and even the necessity, in figures of authority blatantly lying to the people to achieve their goals, it has never sat quite right with me.
And finally, to take us out on a lighter note; the third quotation, also from the abstinence article:
...studies had found the programs to be ineffective in changing sexual behaviour.
"The states have realised this is not a public health approach and 25 states have withdrawn. Sarah Palin's own state, Alaska, has pulled out..."
It's really important, in this world of thorny issues and weighty problems, to take the time out to enjoy some nice, wholesome sexual innuendo. Adios, and have a most wonderful day.
The first is from an article about the legal difficulties facing transsexuals in Australia today (I couldn't be making this up if I tried). The article covers a full page, but the excerpt that I am keeping reads:
In Australia few couples are willing to go public. But theirs are great love stories, nonetheless. Bobbi and Susan, married for 13 years, and parents to a five-year-old, have drawn closer in the five years since Bobbi confessed her feelings. In November she had the operation.
"It took me 37 years to admit to myself who I was," Bobbi says. "Susan's first words to me were, 'The marriage is over.' I got the divorce papers; I was prepared to give her the house and everything in it. She hated what I was doing, she was losing a husband."
They never did divorce, and Bobbi had an operation in November. "When you have a true soulmate, nothing is too much trouble," Bobbi says. "Love can be boundless."
In an article all about the grown-up issues of marriage, sexuality and the law, that short tale, strange and unexpected as it was, really hit me with its youthful Disneyesque message - its testament to the power of love. Cue the Celine Dion.
The second article I read was about Sarah Palin, John McCain's new running mate (whom, I must note, merits her own post. Stop bugging me, Sarah, I'll write it when I'm good and ready). This piece was about Palin's support for abstinence-until-marriage sex education programs, and the impact these programs have had on America.
The closing paragraph, which quite appalled me, went thusly:
Abstinence programs, which cost $US176 million in 2007, have been controversial since a congressional committee report found teens were being wrongly taught that HIV can spread via sweat and tears, and that condoms failed to stop transmission of HIV up to 31 per cent of the time in heterosexual intercourse.
The cost doesn't really bother me; newspapers love to give the seemingly high costs of various government programs to provoke outrage amongst their readers, while not providing the proper context of how expensive goverment projects really are, and how much money governments really have to play around with.
But while I really should not have batted an eyelid at the misinformation spread to lend credence to the pro-abstinence educators' policies, I have never quite been able to rid myself of the tendency to be irritated every time I encounter a new instance of fudged figures. Although I see the value, and even the necessity, in figures of authority blatantly lying to the people to achieve their goals, it has never sat quite right with me.
And finally, to take us out on a lighter note; the third quotation, also from the abstinence article:
...studies had found the programs to be ineffective in changing sexual behaviour.
"The states have realised this is not a public health approach and 25 states have withdrawn. Sarah Palin's own state, Alaska, has pulled out..."
It's really important, in this world of thorny issues and weighty problems, to take the time out to enjoy some nice, wholesome sexual innuendo. Adios, and have a most wonderful day.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
The Spirit of Competition
As I sit here the Olympic flame is about to be extinguished. Beijing 2008 draws to a close. It's a strange feeling; a wraithlike, bittersweet, nostalgia. It feels as if I'm mourning for someone I barely knew. The music has been exceedingly well chosen.
-------------------------------------------
It is gone. The ashes of the torch lie dormant, settling in for another four years of solemn repose.
These Olympics have been significant for me. Neither Sydney nor Athens really interested me. But my outlook on sports, on athleticism itself, have changed dramatically.
No longer is physical prowess the pursuit of uneducated proletarians. No longer is human fitness and strength irrelevant, despite paling - as I oft reminded myself in my younger days - besides that of much of the animal kindgdom.
I am an athlete myself now, a martial artist. Kung fu has slowly stirred in me a respect and deference to those with speed, power, endurance and agility. The grapes are no longer sour, I have recognised them for their sweetness. And I long for them.
In four years' time, the Olympics will come to London. I will have six and a half years of martial arts experience when they arrive. I get the very strong impression that my appreciation for Beijing will be dwarfed by what I see, what I savour, in London.
Goodbye, China. Your Games were truly impressive. Your ceremonies were spectacular. I have seen in your Olympics what your kung fu has wrought. It has stirred a part of me that slept within for seventeen years. Deep within me, with a rippling, surging energy . . .
The dragon awakens.
-------------------------------------------
It is gone. The ashes of the torch lie dormant, settling in for another four years of solemn repose.
These Olympics have been significant for me. Neither Sydney nor Athens really interested me. But my outlook on sports, on athleticism itself, have changed dramatically.
No longer is physical prowess the pursuit of uneducated proletarians. No longer is human fitness and strength irrelevant, despite paling - as I oft reminded myself in my younger days - besides that of much of the animal kindgdom.
I am an athlete myself now, a martial artist. Kung fu has slowly stirred in me a respect and deference to those with speed, power, endurance and agility. The grapes are no longer sour, I have recognised them for their sweetness. And I long for them.
In four years' time, the Olympics will come to London. I will have six and a half years of martial arts experience when they arrive. I get the very strong impression that my appreciation for Beijing will be dwarfed by what I see, what I savour, in London.
Goodbye, China. Your Games were truly impressive. Your ceremonies were spectacular. I have seen in your Olympics what your kung fu has wrought. It has stirred a part of me that slept within for seventeen years. Deep within me, with a rippling, surging energy . . .
The dragon awakens.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Does my new niece look evil to you?
She looks evil to me. Here, take a look:
There are those who aren't that good at spotting evil. They'll look at pictures like that and go "awww, she's so cute." BAD REACTION. Don't let her youth and colourful blanket lull you into a false sense of security - just 'cause she has no teeth, don't mean she can't bite.
Some people are so steeped in their ways that they refuse to see truth; others merely don't have enough information to come to the correct conclusions. For those of you in the latter group, I present a comparison:
The fellow on the right is Kim Jong-Il, dictator of North Korea. Notice the similarities. Is that enough proof for you??
If you're still not convinced, you're probably one of those morons who have no idea how to tell if someone's evil or not just by looking at a photo of them. So as a public service, I put together a demotivator, warning you all of the dangers of underestimating this grave new threat:
And that's all we have time for. NEXT WEEK: Mother Theresa
Nobel Peace Prize? Beatification??? ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME????
Monday, August 11, 2008
The Swimmer and the Stork
This post was going to be about my new celebrity crush, Stephanie Rice. Ah Stephanie, what a honey! Have you noticed how stunning she looks at the Olympics? Winning Australia's first gold medal doesn't hurt, either. And I'm pretty sure that look is au naturale - I doubt you can wear much make-up to a race. Unless it's waterproof. But still, wouldn't it adversely affect your aerodynamics? This would be a fun line of enquiry, but I'm getting sidetracked.
This post is not about my new celebrity crush, Stephanie Rice. I decided to change the subject an hour ago, when I heard that my sister had given birth. I figured that should rate a mention. Sorry, Steph!
This is her first child. My sister's, not Stephanie's, can we please stay on topic? So now I'm a nuncle. I'm so happy. I've been waiting to be a nuncle ever since I heard Rechama was pregnant. I look forward to being greeted with hearty cries of "how now, nuncle!", though I doubt it'll happen that often.
Oh, do me a favour. Next time you see me, hail me with "how now, nuncle!" It'll make me very happy.
Shmuel Raigorodsky, my brother in law, called in with the news. Rechama was too exhausted too speak to anyone. The baby is apparently a girl, which came as quite a surprise. My mother's side of the family are Sephardim, and they often have dreams predicting the genders of unborn family members. This latest addition was billed by my grandfather to be a boy. Thus we are left on the horns of a dilemma - a new avatar of good old Science vs Religion.
I left a comment on the Raigorodsky family blog, under the post "ITS A GIRL!!!!!!!"[sic]. I've translated the foreign bits:
No, it's not a girl. We haven't seen the baby or spoken to Rechama yet. All we have to go on is that the doctor SAID it's a girl.
My psychic Sephardi relatives said it was going to be a boy, and I have more emunah [faith] in their ruach ha'kodesh [prophetic abilities] than in what some goyishe [gentile] doctor says. So it's a boy.
If you disagree, you're a frei yok [person of questionable religious devotion].
So whom does one believe in these situations? The men of God, or the men of science?
This post is not about my new celebrity crush, Stephanie Rice. I decided to change the subject an hour ago, when I heard that my sister had given birth. I figured that should rate a mention. Sorry, Steph!
This is her first child. My sister's, not Stephanie's, can we please stay on topic? So now I'm a nuncle. I'm so happy. I've been waiting to be a nuncle ever since I heard Rechama was pregnant. I look forward to being greeted with hearty cries of "how now, nuncle!", though I doubt it'll happen that often.
Oh, do me a favour. Next time you see me, hail me with "how now, nuncle!" It'll make me very happy.
Shmuel Raigorodsky, my brother in law, called in with the news. Rechama was too exhausted too speak to anyone. The baby is apparently a girl, which came as quite a surprise. My mother's side of the family are Sephardim, and they often have dreams predicting the genders of unborn family members. This latest addition was billed by my grandfather to be a boy. Thus we are left on the horns of a dilemma - a new avatar of good old Science vs Religion.
I left a comment on the Raigorodsky family blog, under the post "ITS A GIRL!!!!!!!"[sic]. I've translated the foreign bits:
No, it's not a girl. We haven't seen the baby or spoken to Rechama yet. All we have to go on is that the doctor SAID it's a girl.
My psychic Sephardi relatives said it was going to be a boy, and I have more emunah [faith] in their ruach ha'kodesh [prophetic abilities] than in what some goyishe [gentile] doctor says. So it's a boy.
If you disagree, you're a frei yok [person of questionable religious devotion].
So whom does one believe in these situations? The men of God, or the men of science?
Saturday, August 9, 2008
AMAC & WMM. JFGI.
I competed in Round 4 of the Australian Martial Arts Championships last Sunday. It went slightly better than Round 3. I got beaten in my first bout of the day again, but this time it wasn't quite as embarassing. I lost 4-1 to a karateka, who went on to win his next two fights 8-2 and 6-0, and take out the gold. Frustratingly enough, the two who lost to him by larger margins than I did ranked second and third, while I was eliminated off that one fight, purely because of an unfavourable draw.
In other, less sucky news, I came first in the soft forms. Woot!
This week, I downloaded, and taught myself how to use, Windows Movie Maker. The following is my first ever video, so leave nice comments, or it'll hurt my feelings. You have been warned.
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=35963899472
In other, less sucky news, I came first in the soft forms. Woot!
This week, I downloaded, and taught myself how to use, Windows Movie Maker. The following is my first ever video, so leave nice comments, or it'll hurt my feelings. You have been warned.
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=35963899472
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